The Birthday Party

Keilani, dressed as a little Japanese girl.


Here are some of the kids, me, and Sonya (Raggedy Ann).

My eyes flung open wide Friday morning with the invasion of a "mental to-do list" in the forefront of my mind. There was so much to do before the night's festivities began. It was the day Keilani had been dreaming of for months.

Sister Rogers, who I like to call Texas Mom, said it perfectly when she said, "Well, I had to come! It isn't like I didn't have plenty of notice; she invited me way back in June!" Keilani has been talking about this day, and inviting everyone she loves, for months and months. And now it was finally time.

Sixteen of her friends, not including babies or adults who most graciously accepted a seven-year-old's invitation, came in costume to celebrate Keilani's birthday. By far, this was the biggest birthday celebration she had ever had.

There were kids everywhere. And I mean everywhere! At one point, I opened up her closet to find seven giggling little girls staring back at me!

And I don't know what I would do without Melissa. Just knowing she would be there to help out made waking up to that "to-do list" a little bit easier. And she was a huge help, as she is every year at this time. Between smiles that said, "Relax, all is well," to organizing the games, helping with the food, and the messiest part - cleaning up... she was there. Thank you, Melissa.

I stood back a few times and just gulped in some air as I watched my baby, my beautiful baby, soak up the evening. Laughing. Smiling. I thought of how much she has changed since her last birthday, physically and emotionally. She is growing up. She is our only child, and she is growing up.

The days of "snuggle-buggle" in the mornings are beginning to number. And as much as it hurts to let go, I know I must allow her to be more independent.

A few days ago I asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said, "I want a baby brother... to come from your tummy." With tear-filled eyes I responded as I held her hand over my stomach, "If it's God's will, He'll heal me."

God might not have healed my body, but the instant I held Keilani for the very first time, God healed those broken emotions that so desperately longed for a child to hold.

And now she's almost seven. Her actual birthday is on Wednesday, and I just can't believe it. If only time could stand still a little while so I can hold her and protect from the hurts of this world. As I reflect back to almost seven years ago, I think about her biological mother and I am thankful for her sacrifice so that I could be a mom. To think I could have missed out on this type of love scares me beyond words.

And so, Happy Birthday Keilani, my beautiful, beautiful Keilani. Your daddy and I love you beyond measure. You truly are a 'glorious gift' from God. You have changed my life and taught me to love beyond myself in ways I could have never comprehended before.

I love you, always and forever.


A very happy Keilani!

Thursday Thirteen

Here is Keilani on her 5th birthday with Bethani, and Tiffani. (Notice all their names are 3 syllables and an " i .")

Thirteen Thoughts About Keilani's Birthday Party

1. There are going to be 10 to 15 kids, dressed up in costumes, ages 4 to 9, running around my house tomorrow night, for 2 hours! Pray! Saints, PRAY!

2. Don't I have too many breakables for this?

3. Maybe I should put my tea cups away.

4. I am very scared of crying children.

5. I am going to hide Chacha. She might not survive otherwise. (It is not uncommon to have kids fight over her! She is just so tiny, they forget she is real!)

6. I still don't have a costume to wear.

7. Melissa has helped me plan Keilani's birthday party for the last 4 years. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why we both moved to Texas? (Okay, maybe not. But I'll consider it an added bonus.)

8. Did I mention that small, crying, children scare me?

9. Keilani has been inviting people, of ALL ages, to this party for nearly 9 months now. I can't believe the day has finally arrived.

10. I am very sad that my family lives so far away on occasions like this.

11. It is fun to have matching cups, plates, forks, napkins, and tables clothes.

12. My baby ~ is not a baby any more.

13. I am amazed at how much I fell in love with Keilani almost 7 years ago when they placed her in my arms. And it amazes me even more that my love for her still grows.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

How is...


your...


comute...


each day?

Thursday Thirteen

At The End Of A "Hairy" Week...

Thirteen Reasons To Rejoice

1. Exam week is over.

2. I am going to sleep in tomorrow.

3. I am enjoying a DC with crushed ice.

4. Keilani is almost done Bible Quizzing. (That means I am almost done helping her.)

5. Tomorrow is Friday.

6. And we all know what comes after Friday... SATURDAY!

7. I have no homework tonight.

8. I actually don't care that my house is messy. (This usually bothers me and I can't relax!)

9. Pilot's cage is clean.

10. Did I mention that I was sleeping in tomorrow?

11. I have nothing to do. Doesn't that just have a nice ring to it?

12. Dinner, a nummy chicken casserole, is almost finished!

13. Now that exam week is over, I can blog again!

Broken Tail

If you look really closely, you can see Pilot's face peeking out from the opening in the yellow tube.

Pilot is her name. I am not sure where Keilani got the name, but she was pretty insistent on not changing it, even with a little motherly urging, “Do you think Pilot is a booooooy’s name…?”

“Nope. I don’t want to change it.”

Case closed. (I don't think it was ever opened.)

Pilot the tiny grey gerbil with beady reddish eyes, in her new luxury 2 story, 1 tube, condo, equipped with exercise room, makes us a family of four.

I really should not be blogging. I have three exams next week; however, this is just too good, errrr, well maybe not good, but too…. Uh…. Well, it is just TOO something not to blog.

Okay. There I was sitting in my black leather computer chair, being the diligent student I try to be (yet fail all too often at), and in enters a frightened and emotional Keilani. “My geeeeeerbil is bleeeeeeeeeding. Sob. Sob.”

“What?”

She attempted to explain that her gerbil’s tail is bleeding.

To make a long story short, and oh how this story would have been fun (for lack of a better word) to dramatize, but for the sake of my exams, let me just say that a Gerbil's tail is veeeeery fragile, and Pilot’s tail is about half the size of what is was when we brought her home yesterday.

Just a little side note… I didn’t even want a gerbil because their long tails make them look like a mouse! But it was what Keilani wanted. So would it be horrible to say that she got what she wanted and.... I got what I wanted?

Sorry. That's just. not. nice. I certainly wouldn't wish that upon any other gerbil in the world! Or would I wish for that trama on any other little girl. I'm just saying, isn't it ironic!? (A little sick sense of humor to give you a sneak peek into my mind!)

Oh. One more side note… the day after we brought ChaCha home, she broke her leg. We seem to have a history here. Scary.



Broken leg.

Broken tail.

However...

Puppy and gerbil are both doing fine.


The full veiw of Pilot's delux condo.

Thirteen Things I Love About Keilani

Keilani and her puppy.

1. I love her name. Not just because it fits her, or how it sounds, but because of what it means. Keilani Alana means Glorious Gift. And she is a glorious gift from God.

2. I love how her big brown eyes still widen with excitement!

3. I love to hear her laugh! I mean really laugh! You know, the kind of laughter that comes from somewhere deep within.

4. I love when we laugh together!

5. I love her beautiful, dark brown skin. She is an islander through and through.

6. I love that she is one of only a few full blooded Kapingamarangi in the world.

7. I love that she is a Bible Quizzer. She has memorized 40 verses so far. (I told her when she first started quizzing, that when she memorized 40 I would buy her a gerbil. Guess where we are going today...)

8. I love that she is sensitive. Okay, I admit, sometimes her sensitivety adds for a bit more drama than I am comfortable with, but that same sensitively gives her a compansion unlike most six-year-olds. If she sees me cry, she hugs me and wipes my tears. She cries when she prays. I think it is sweet.

9. I love how she prays. She prays about everything the same way. "Jesus, thank you for my mommy and daddy. Thank you for my mom's headache. Thank you for Cha Cha. Thank you for helping me do well in school. Thank you for Brother Baxter. Thank you for our broken car." See a pattern? She thanks Him for everything. Everything. Good or bad. Just like the Bible tells her to.

10. I love how snuggly she is. She fits right in my arms.

11. I love how she encourages me. It is not uncommon to hear an unprompted, "You look beautiful, mommy." Or, "You did a great job!"

12. I love her innocence.

13. I love how she loves me and Kevin. We truly are very blessed.

Alone

This is one of my favorite pictures of Keilani.

With frustrated tears streaming down her little brown face, she stood over a small pile of clothes strewn upon the floor. My six-year-old spoke in a controlled, yet polite, voice, “I wanna be alone.”

“Okay. Fine then. You can be alone.”

She proceeded to walk past me, down the hallway, through the living room, past the library, and out the door. She looked over her shoulder, frustrated tears and all, then slipped out the front door.

Fighting anger and tears myself, I thought, “What just happened?”

I had run out of patience, and to my surprise, so had Keilani. My perfectionism was more than Keilani could comprehend in the moment. Her room was a mess, my car was a mess (from her stuff), and her work was not complete. She was feeling overwhelmed, and quite frankly, so was I.

A few days ago, in another frutsrtated moment, I told Keilani I needed a few minutes alone (so I wouldn't take out the day's frustrations unduely out on her), so why wouldn’t I honor that same respect for her. Right?

It shocked me nonetheless.

So there she was. My six-year-old was sitting on the brownish green grass in front of our house. Alone.

My heart ached, and I fought the lump that developed in my throat.

I peeked outside through the blinds in the library, contemplating the best parenting technique to utilize. My baby is getting older now, telling me daily that her 7th birthday is less than a month away. And she wanted a little space to work through her own frustrating moment. That is not a bad thing. She didn't yell, or say anything disrespectful; she just needed a few minutes... alone. My shy little backward Keilani who moved to Texas almost one year ago, is growing up. And as healthy as that is, it hurts.

I waited a few LONG moments and then joined her on the prickly lawn. I asked her if I could hug her and she shrugged her shoulders. I hugged her anyway. I needed it more than she did.

I am guilty of expecting perfection out of her at times. Sometimes I just need to be better at letting her be a kid.

I let her stay outside a little while longer before she had to pick up the dirty clothes she dropped on the floor last night, get her stuff out of the car, and finish up her work. And then I let her play. Play, and be six. No piano practice. No Bible Quizzing. Just play. She took a handful of Polly Pockets, Cha Cha (our Chihuahua) and played.

I am so glad He is more patient with me than I am with Keilani. Being a mom is hard. Never in my life have I wanted to yell and cry in the same moment with such matching intensities. But I love her more than I thought I could love anyone. And as much as I love her, He loves me that much more.

Sleep

Keilani...


Fell...


Asleep...


Anywhere...

I closed my somnolent eyes and felt an unfathomable heaviness consume me. A prickling sensation ran the entire length of my body, starting with the muscles behind my eyes, drifting down through the muscles in my legs, and eventually settling in my feet.

It felt good to stop moving. It felt good to just stop. period.

I felt myself begin to drift - mind and body. I was so still I could feel my heart beat begin to slow as I enjoyed the feeling of relaxation and allowed myself to unwind. I had already entered into stage one of the sleep cycle (sorry, left overs from last semester’s neurology class), and I was quickly passing through stages two and three on my way into some much needed REM sleep.

And then…

Unfortunately…

The next day’s events fell into my mind like a ton of bricks.

My eyes flung open and sleep eluded me for a few more hours.

For as long as I can remember, sleep is something I have chased like a feather in the wind. As soon as I think I have it, just as I reach for it, another gust comes along and snatches it away.

I have tried everything from meditation to good ole fashion Tylenol PM. And hey, I’m open for suggestions if any of you have any! I enjoy sleep too much not to try!

There is one thing that works. I don’t know why I don’t do it more often...

I take my Bible and rest it on my chest, and pray.

Perhaps part of me, on some unconscious level, is afraid of over using this (really, I’m not superstitious). But most of me just feels guilty admitting that talking to Jesus puts me to sleep. Boy, I sound super spiritual now!

But I guess He is just answering my prayers and helping me fall asleep. And as long as that is not the only time I talk to Him, it should be okay.

Right? Right.

After all, isn’t He where the weary receive rest? I don’t know how I ever lived my life without Him. For even on my worst day, sleepless and all, it is still much better than any day I attempted to live without Him.

Whew… I think I’m beginning to feel a bit weary. I think I’ll go get some rest.

Nothing Can Seperate Me From His Love

I have never really gone back and reread any of my blogs before tonight. I was feeling a little discouraged about some things that, I am sure, in a few months, will just seem plain ole silly (hopefully). Nevertheless, I found myself looking through my writings and I ran across this one. It made me smile. I thought I would repost it.

Nothing, nothing, nothing... will EVER be able to seperate me from His love. What a safe place to be... (Thank you for indulging the double post.)


(Excerpts from Romans 7 & 8)

No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway.

Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord.

So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you through Christ Jesus from the power of sin that leads to death.

Since Christ lives within you, even though your body will die because of sin, your spirit is alive because you have been made right with God. The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as he raised Christ from the dead, he will give life to your mortal body by this same Spirit living within you.

So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God's very own children, adopted into his family--calling him "Father, dear Father."

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

During a very low spot in my life, someone very close to me emailed me these words of encouragement. My favorite translation is the King James, but sometimes reading a very familiar passage in a different translation, such as this, helps me to digest His Word a little easier.

I am absolutely astonished at how much He loves me. Even when I mess up, He loves me. Even when I doubt, He loves me. Death can’t, life can’t, angels can’t, and the demons can’t separate me from His love. What an awesome thought. What a safe place to be!

Still, there is a difference between head knowledge and heart knowledge.

I have to admit that knowing this with my head doesn’t always make that 12 inch journey down to my heart. I know with my mind that He loves me and nothing can separate me from His love. Yet too often my heart and my emotions just can’t comprehend this.

The beauty of it all is that I don’t have to comprehend this to be loved by Him. I may never truly understand His ways; after all, they are way above my ways. I love Him and He loves me. He is my Dad, and I am His child. And since nothing can seperate us, I will just trust that He said it, so it must be so.

Thirteen Perks About My Vacation

1. No school for one week!! Can you say, "A M E N!"

2. The Double Tree Suites. I sooo enjoyed our suite on the 9th floor, with the wall of windows in both rooms overlooking the lights of downtown Columbus, the fountains, and the Ohio River.



3. I was able to spend a little time with my friend, Dawn, who always encourages me, inspires me, and makes me laugh.

4. Nona Freeman. Dawn is the pastor's wife of the thriving Oak Park Church in Richmond, IN. It just so happened that Sister Freeman was scheduled to speak on the first Saturday of my vacation. I must admit, I so was wrapped up in seeing friends that I hadn't seen in months, that I was taken off guard when Jesus grabbed my attention and spoke to me through the message. So not only did I get to sneak a hug and a few giggles with Dawn, catch up with some other dear friends, I was blessed by the wonderful ministry of Nona Freeman.


5. Is any vacation complete without several DC's? I. Think. Not.



6. We stopped to pick up some DC for the road; however, they were shamefully out. Purely due to good packaging and advertising, I tried Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla Jazz. (Doesn't it look like chocolate covered something?) I actually developed a craving for it, after one try! Move over DP! Eh hem... DC - Stay. Put. You just can't beat a DC fountain drink with good ole fashioned crushed ice. Sonic's ice, if available, please.

7. Family. My Family, Kevin's family, church family. It was just good to spend time with family.

8. Kara. Kara is the conference coordinator for Endtime. She is also a good friend to me and Kevin. Really, Kara needs her own zany blog one day. Anyway, Kara is responsible for several bouts of extreme laughter fits. You know, the ones where your sides scream for mercy!


9. I was able to spend time with Jennifer Cobb. She has the ability to make me feel good about myself, yet challenge me to do better, at the same time. She is a prayer warrior, to say the least, a highly sought out international speaker, and a cherished friend. Not only does she mentor me, but she seeks my advice as well. She values my opinion. What made seeing her even more special was that she wasn't supposed to be in town that week; therefore, I was pleasantly surprised to have lunch with her in Cincinnati one day, and then see her two more times in Columbus where she even walked several blocks out of her way to shower me and Keilani with gifts! Thank you Sister Cobb!


10. MIRL. Yep... I got to meet [Tess, another blogger] in real life! How fun is that!? You know what was funny was that I saw her before I knew who she was and said to myself, "I have a pink jacket like that." Lo and behold, it was her!

11. El Rodeo. You know, Indiana just isn't going to go down in history for its fabulous restaurants; however, El Rodeo, on the West side (namely because its bigger and I don't feel like I'm in a Cracker Jack box) is pretty good. I have a feeling the food wouldn't taste as great if I wasn't sitting down in front of the Ellison family though.

12. Endtime. One of the reasons we made this trip was to work the Endtime booth at the UPCI annual General Conference. Whew... it was work. It made for some really long days. But I enjoyed my time with the Kara, and Brother and Sister Baxter. They just feel like 'family' to me and I love them!

13. Coming Home. I came home to a clean house (I'm so glad I took the time to clean before we left!), many sincere hugs, many genuine smiles, and a sweet email from Staci that made my day.

One Brick Forward, Two Bricks Back

One Brick Forward, Two Bricks Back

Life brings upon many variations of laughter and pain. And in spite of the balance between the two, brick walls slowly manifest themselves within to shield from rejection and sorrow. The problem? That brick wall usually does a better job repelling joy than it does sorrow.

Sometimes I consciously put up those bricks.

Disappointments.

Deception.

Rejection.

Humiliation.

All good reasons to add a brick. Right?

Clank… clank… clank… clank. “Keep piling up those bricks! Don’t let anyone or anything too close!”

Before I ever knew it, or at least understood its strength, I built a wall more massive than the Great Wall of China.

Enter Jesus.

Thankfully, 'joy comes in the morning.’ However, I have always wished that it was a literal ‘morning,’ so on those really bad days I can just crawl into bed and hide my head under the comforter waiting for the sun to peak it’s way over the horizon, and all would be well.

But I know that isn't what God meant.

Joy is not an emotion like sadness. Joy is a way of life. Joy is knowing that He really does work all things for our good… if we love Him. Joy is trusting that somehow, everything is going to be alright. Joy is being able to smile even when life’s disappointments overwhelm.

Even though that brick wall does a better job repelling joy than it does sorrow. Joy is still what removes two bricks after I put up one.

If only I didn't let those walls get so high before I knew Joy. If I could only slow down building, Joy might be able to work a whole lot faster.

One brick forward, two bricks back.

Wordless Wednesday

Home Sweet Home

Our house.

I reached up above my head and pushed the grey button on the garage door opener that was attached to the sun visor. It had been eleven days since I last pulled out of the drive. It was a good trip, but I sure was glad to be home. I turned the key in the ignition towards me and the engine dulled silent. Keilani's excitement added to mine, "Yay! We're home! We're home!"

I grabbed my purse and left the luggage in the van. Honestly, my arms were begging me for rest after dragging two red filled-to-capacity luggages, a blue Old Navy back pack filled with books and papers, a laptop (that I never used), and a purse, across two airports! As sore as I felt, one would have thought I flapped my own arms to get us from Ohio to Texas with the luggage on my back! Keilani was quite a trooper herself, dragging an overstuffed garment bag behind her as well as a backpack attached to her back.

I slipped the silver key into the knob and opened the door. Keilani was directly behind me, nearly pushing me aside with her boney arms. We stepped inside the house and smiled. I took in a deep breath smelling that "new house smell." Even after 10 months of being lived in, our house still smells brand new, but I only notice it when I have been gone a while.

Instantly I was reminded of the blessings of home.

As much as I miss those things familiar in Indiana, Texas is now my home, and I can finally say it with a little pride. I actually enjoyed telling old and new friends alike, that Texas is where I reside. And you know what felt good? Those I had to leave behind when I ventured westward almost eleven months ago, are still as comfortable, if not more comfortable, when I return to visit. And now I have wonderful friends here in Texas to come home to.

I know one nice thing about leaving now, is coming home. There have been those who have made me feel missed. Thank you and I love you more than you know.

It’s good to be home.

Tired Tuesday

I have been in some crazed stupor all day. I feel like I am somewhere between walking on clouds and walking through them! I think I need a vacation from my vacation.

Oh, but I had so much fun. Really. I so want to blog about our Midwest vacation, but the memories my brain captured can't seem to form any meaningful words at the moment. It wasn't all roses, but it was "all good," if you know what I mean. Even those few thorns were what I needed in the moment - a few gentle reminders of needed growth emotionally and spiritually perhaps. I think I may even be ready to let God into some more of those "scary" corners of my closet.

But mostly, there were times of laughter, a lot of laughter. It felt good to laugh until I cried and my side begged for relief. And I still have so much to say about visiting with family and friends, and just being "back home" for a little while, but really, what I want to write about, or rather who I want to write about, is Jesus.

Although, on the day after our Midwest vacation, I sit here and sift through emotions and memories and search for words to explain to all of blog world what it is that I feel inside right now, all that I can come up with is Him. He is good to me. So very, very good to me. He knows me and He loves me. His presence was felt all week through old friends who love me and told me I was special to them, and not just with words either. I can honestly say I saw and felt Him in them. They made me feel good about myself and loved. They reassured me even when they didn't know I needed it. They said the very things I needed to hear even though I didn't know I needed to hear them. I can't really explain all that I feel, it's that stupor thing I am sure, but I do know He manifested His love through people I didn't expect it from. And. It. Felt. Good.

He is so good to me and I love His presence, in church, and through good, good friends.

I'm Back

This will be me after this blog.

Okay. I am back. I have been rescued from the world of "cyber-free" land. Maybe I should say, "cyber-expensive" land instead. My phone didn't go online as expected, at least not while on "roam," and the Double Tree wanted $10 a day to access the net.

Crazy. Just crazy.

I did log on one time in the hotel lobby to send 1 email to my "Texas Mom." It took 15 minutes to send that one email. I decided I was just too spoiled by fiber optic speed to EVER do that again.

Let's just say I was just exposed to my first 10 day internet fast.

It wasn't fun, but I survived.

Unfortunately, I am too tired to type anything sensible at the moment. But I had to at least say I am back.