The More I Seek Him

It was a typical chilly Sunday evening in Cincinnati, Ohio. I was visiting my aunt's church 30 minutes north east of my mother's house in Indiana. Keilani had fallen asleep on her cousin's shoulder two pews to my right. I was on the first pew so there were minimal distractions. It was a good service. Good ole Brother Pasley can make me double over with laughter, and then have me dissecting my heart all within 20 minutes.

I've been serving God awhile and I know the routine. We pray. We Sing. Give an offering. Sing some more. Hear the Word of God. Altar call. In this regard there was nothing new. Don't mistake me; I am thankful for the routine because it works. Yet, if I am not careful, I could allow the routine to distract me. Not this Sunday evening. I couldn't wait to be in His presence. I anxiously awaited the worship, the preaching. I needed to feel Jesus.

I was in town for eight days. Eight days to squeeze in as little or as much as I wanted. The first few days I hid out in my mother's house, contemplating all the differences and similarities 5 months could bring. There is something about location that draws emotion out of me. Things looked so differently than when I first moved to Indiana over ten years ago. But now that my husband's job moved us to Texas, Indiana felt different. I'm not sure what I expected on that trip, but at that point, I hadn't found it. I couldn't wait for church.

When the words of the worship song first appeared on the wall above the baptismal, I immediately realized that I didn't know the song. A ripple of disappointment went through me as I was counting on familiarity to get my through the evening. The music was soft and slow. A lead voice sang alone as the others closed their eyes, some with hands raised, some sang along away from their microphone. At first the song seemed foreign, but I closed my eyes so I could shut out distractions and try to worship.

I have always had a hard time picturing Jesus. Sometimes He seems too distant to really know Him. But for the first time, as the words of the song entered into my worship and imagination, I could see me sitting at His feet. The worship singers sang some more. I could almost feel His hand across my shoulder as I leaned into Him and rested my head on His leg. It seemed so real. I looked up at Him and He smiled at me. I felt safe. And the safer I felt, the more I cried. Hands raised like a child reaching for her daddy, I could see Him reach for me. He held me as I cried and I didn't care what I looked like. I saw Jesus, even if only in my imagination, if only in my worship. He became real to me like He never had before. I prayed that the moment would last forever. I imagined leaning back against Him, taking a long, deep breath. Relaxing in Him. In the stillness of my breathing I could feel His heart beat. I could feel His love for me. All of my restlessness had disappeared in Him. If only that moment could last forever. His love was so real, so deep. I had never felt Him like that before. I was overwhelmed. The descriptiveness of that song helped to usher in the presence of God into my life right when I needed Him the most. I stood there and just cried like a lost child who just found her daddy after years of searching.

Then the song ended and I opened my eyes. Nobody knew the experience I just encountered. But that encounter changed me.

I haven't heard the song since, at least not outside of my mind.

This morning, as I stumbled out of bed, following Keilani to her room to help her find a skirt to match the white, pink, yellow and green butterfly shirt she picked out; I couldn't wait to kiss her and Kevin good-bye. As their Saturday together began, I anxiously awaited to get into His presence. The door shut in front of me and I quickly found my favorite spot on the floor with my head in my hands, and my elbows on my green, beat-up, antique couch. I closed my eyes. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him. There He was. I leaned back against Him, and breathed. It has become my favorite place to be. In His presence, sitting at His feet.

Here are the words to the song:

The more I seek you
The more I find you
The more I find you
The more I love you
I want to sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breathe
Feel your heartbeat
This love is so deep
It's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
It's overwhelming